A Student Nurse's Prayer

My semester has been a roller coaster of l-o-n-g, stressful, exciting, tear filled weeks. But the end is here! When I stood at the end of August looking towards December I thought I would never make it (ha, talk about being dramatic)! The amount of profiles, projects, and clinicals were overwhelming so I resolved that I would pray my way through school and take one day at a time. We're not guaranteed tomorrow so why worry about it right? (That's the challenge that was laid before me during one of my devotions) Well, it's crazy to think that 16 weeks are done and I have a nice four weeks at home to look forward to. No books (well big textbooks that cost an arm and leg), no profiles, and no tests.

I want to give a shout out to two very special people first. I'm not sure if they'll read this but my roommates  have been more than great with me. From listening to my silly hospital stories, to cooking dinner on busy nights, to rejoicing over good test grades with me, or providing a little encouragement during the especially tough weeks - thanks guys. I truly could not have gotten this far without your help!

Here  are my lovely roommates at our Christmas Party (from left to right: me, Alison, and Nicole)

Ok here is a student nurse's prayer that I came across recently. I think it sums up my semester pretty well!

THE STUDENT NURSE'S PRAYER 

Lord: I know we go through this every day but please give me the knowledge as to why I actually wanted to go to nursing school. Lord, give me the strength to make it through those boring three hour lectures without falling asleep. Lord, please give me the patience to make it through twelve hour clinicals with instructors that can't just give you the right answer and on the same note, give the nurses the ability to remember what it was like to be a student and give us just a little more respect. Lord, give me the endurance to read all the assigned readings and be able to remember it when I am taking a test with four right answers. Lord, give my family and friends the ability to realize I really am on the edge of insanity. Finally, Lord, give me the vision to see that one day I will be a real nurse and I will never have to wear this ugly uniform again. Amen.

Broken

Healthcare is all about fixing the "broken." When things don't work right doctors and nurses are there to help shed light on what is ailing our bodies, treat the problem, and ease our pain.

The only qualification is that we come.

When I'm at home I work at a doctor's office doing filing work and occasionally help the medical assistants. I have found over the last few words that there are 3 types of patients out there. There are those who call about every bump, bruise, or cough and want to be seen PRONTO. Then there are those who annually come for their check-up. And finally there are those who put off coming at all costs (some haven't been seen in decades!).

Lately I've been the third type of patient, not physically but spiritually. I hit a wall along the road of life and found myself in a hurt, let down, and angry place. I had been in the Word daily, seeking God's face, and praying diligently and yet I felt completely broken. I wasn't apathetic but I was weary and I knew where I needed to go. To the Great Physician. Up until a week ago I had spent my mornings in the minivan (the time I usually pray) in silence. I told God I no longer knew what to pray and so I was just going to sit in His presence. I couldn't see past the "wall" and I needed Him more than ever. Later that week while listening to a Podcast by Angela Thomas, who was speaking on the Sermon on the Mount, I realized one thing. God is truly the Great Physician and He can help shed light on what is ailing our spirit, treat the problem, and ease our pain.

The only qualification is that we come.

I think Angela did a great job with her interpretation (the one she whole heartily believes is from God) of the Sermon on the Mount found in Matthew 5. She was explaining how most the times this passage is preached it is taught from the "you gotta be this" and "you gotta be that" for God to bless you. Well she believes the passage is more "if you are this" and "you are that" then God can bless you BUT you've got to be willing to come up the mountain to where He is with the truth of who we are and be willing to lay it at his feet. *I encourage you to take a moment and read the passage.* I couldn't be stubborn and put off going to the Physician anymore. I was "poor in spirit" (Matthew 5:3a) - completely broken and couldn't do it on my own anymore. Jesus, my personal Lord and Savior, the one who died for every human being was calling out to me and saying Come my child.

And so I came.

I had read in a blog (http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/05/past-and-pitcher.html) that throwing pottery could be a form of therapy. Angie Smith, the writer of this particular blog described how God had called her to smash a pitcher, symbolizing her life, and then spent time with God putting it back together. I knew after reading it that that is what God wanted me to do too. My roommates and I were having a "roomie night" and so I pitched the idea to them. They were totally on board (that's why I love them!).

I decided I was going to go up the mountain to my Lord with the truth of who I was. As I smashed the ceramic mug (Gotta love being a college student on a budget! We couldn't find pitchers for a decent price so we settled for a Dollar Store mug.) I yelled the things that were breaking me on the inside. I yelled about failing to get into nursing school the first time around which has put me on the 5-year-plan in college, not knowing what to do with my nursing degree, being single and feeling lonely, finding out that the guy I have had a crush on since I can remember and whom I thought had requited feelings recently started dating someone, my sister leaving in less than a month for a year, not being secure in myself, and overall being discontent with the way life was playing out.

As I smashed the mug I felt an immediate release (I'm pretty sure our neighbors wondered what the heck was going on on our porch). There my life was in a hundred pieces. I scooped up the pieces, grabbed a hot glue gun, and had at it.

Here I am putting the pieces back together.

Here is the finished piece. Not perfect but nontheless whole.

Sitting at the kitchen table that night as I was putting the mug (my life) back together God began to speak to me very clearly. Each piece of the shattered mug was a part of me, the real me (the person I can't hide from God). The process of putting the mug back together was not easy. Just when I thought I had it figured out a piece would come along that didn't quite fit and I would have to start all over again. My fingers got cut up and glue was everywhere. But that's how life isn't it? Just when we think we have it figured out something comes along and we find ourselves lost or in a mess. It's a rough road sometimes and we will forever wear the scars. BUT there is always someone we can turn to - the Great Physician.

I don't have all the answers and I still hurt but I woke up the next day and realized that this precious life I have been given is not about me (you know that wall I couldn't see past, yeah it was myself) it's about honoring the One who gave it to me. I "thirst for righteousness" (Matthew 5:6) so I will hold my mug (my life) up to the only One who can fill it. It may be broken but God has filled in those cracks with His love, grace, and forgiveness and I am WHOLE.

I don't know what life holds BUT God does. It may not be what I have planned but one thing I am learning every day is that His plan is far better than anything I could have ever dreamed. So for now I am resting at His feet and allowing Him to use my life to pour out onto others.

I'll leave you with these words from Jeremy Camp's song "Walk By Faith" that just so "happened" to be playing on the radio as I told God I was going to be silent in His presence until He showed me what to do...

"well I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see, because this BROKEN road prepares Your will for me..."

Hospital and Hotel are NOT synonymous

I vividly remember one of the first things my clinical instructor said before my first hospital experience sophmore year. It was that we [the nursing students] "needed to realize that when patients are in the hospital they are there to get better, if they wanted to relax and rest they could go to a hotel." That struck me very odd because I thought that the point of hospitalization was to rest so that you could get better but in my inexperience I kept my mouth shut and went on my way. Fast forward to this year. As I sit at the end of my first semester junior year (I can't believe it's almost over!), having completed eleven eight hour and two twelve hour shifts I think I finally understand.

As nurses we make beds, fluff pillows, provide toiletries, and bring snacks and drinks to our "guest's" rooms, much like housekeepers at hotels, to make their stay that much nicer. BUT we are also the ones who enter our "guests" rooms before the crack of dawn to reposition them in their bed, much to their dismay. We rouse them every so often to assess their vital signs, take a glucose reading, or provide them with their scheduled medications. We are also the ones who make them get up out of their comfortable warm bed to sit up in the chair or take a stroll down the ever so beautifully decorate hospital hallway. Through the complaining, grinding of teeth, grimacing looks, and protests we do it because these measures are best for our patients. What they don't realize is that even though getting up and moving is painful and exhausting it will help them get better faster. More times than not our patients can't see the end when they are in midst of battling a disease so it's our job to come along side them. We push them to do things they don't want to do so they can heal. Don't get me wrong, nurses do provide periods of rest throughout the day but those are hardly ever protested :) The revelation that hospitals are not hotels came to me in the strangest yet most practical way...

Every morning on my way to where ever I am heading for that day I pray, it's a time I look forward to most in my day. It's just me and God in my minivan. These last few weeks have kind of been rough for me, I feel lost in life (I'll explain later). A time that is usually filled with words right up until I arrive at my destination has been replaced with silence. I told God that I did not know what to pray anymore and so I was just going to sit in His presence. One day recently as I was sitting at a red light I was thinking about what I had read in "Lady in Waiting" and all of a sudden it hit me. God, the ultimate caretaker, sometimes makes us do things we don't want to do in order to make us "better." Even when we cannot see the big picture He can. He will hold our hands through the tears, He will provide all our needs, and He will walk with us through the tough times to get us to where He wants us to be if we just let Him.

God has pulled me out of "my bed" and is asking me to walk through this part of my life and trust that He has my best interests at heart. I may not like it, and I don't but here I am God.