happy BIRTHday

Against all odds one sperm meets an egg, cells divide, the egg implants in the uterine lining, forty weeks pass, labor kicks in, long excruciating hours pass and then the baby arrives! Ok, so that's the abridged version of the beautiful process of pregnancy and birth (or not so beautiful depending on who you ask, haha).

If you couldn't guess I am in an OB nursing class right now and I love it. I'm kind of a dork really when it comes to the whole pregnancy thing. I can remember being in middle/high school and renting birthing videos from the library or checking out books on the "miracle of life." Amidst the screaming, blood, and cutting there was something so fascinating to me. I even got the chance in high school to shadow one of my friend's mom on the Labor and Delivery floor at the local hospital. When asked if I wanted to watch my first live birth I was beyond stoked, that is until I got in the room. I have no idea why but after five minutes or so my hearing started to go, I started feeling sweat on the back of my neck, and my eyes started going black. I quietly excused myself into the hallway and quickly found my way to a seat. I am not a squeamish person but there was something very different about watching the birthing process on videos and being in the room while it is actually happening. Next on the agenda that day was a C-section. I got to watch behind a glass window. Thank the Lord there was a glass window. All I can say is "oh the tugging and manipulating."

Whoever said childbirth is a beautiful thing was STRAIGHT LYING.

This past weekend I had back to back 12 hour shifts on the Mother Baby unit at the local hospital. The mothers and their babies are transferred from the L&D unit to the Mother Baby floor shortly after delivery, barring no complications, until discharged from the hospital approximately 48 hours later. (My L&D clinical isn't until much later in the semester.) I really like the idea of L&D but after my first experience I have some hesitations as to whether or not I will be able to handle the whole thing.

Heading into my Mother/Baby rotation I was assigned chapters in my textbook to read. Let me say that as much as I thought I knew about what to expect after delivery I DIDN'T KNOW THE HALF OF IT. As I read the postpartum chapters and saw the pictures I was mortified. Recently after watching my sister go through pregnancy and hearing the whole after birth stories I have been kind off put of by whole thing. Don't get me wrong I want to be a mom some day but big bellies, stretch marks, hemorrhoids, tearing "down under", etc. were presenting a pretty good case if you asked me why not to put myself through it. Anyways, back to the textbook. My fears and hesitations over the whole process were intensified with every paragraph I read. I finally got to the point where I could not contain myself anymore and I shared the gory details with my roommates (I bet they love living with me sometimes, ha!). Stretching and tearing and blood oh my!

I showed up to the hospital on Saturday morning excited for the day ahead but unaware of what it entailed. I mainly did baby assessments and watched the nurses teach the family various things that pertained to their brand new bundles of joy. It was very low-key. Sunday things picked up. I was in charge of assessing the baby and mom. I'm over the whole "excuse me while I check out your privates" deal but I was a little unsure of assessing the uterus. So my excellent instructor showed me how to properly assess the postpartum mom and my day began. I was off to the nursery to retrieve the baby. He was born about seven hours before I got there so he was brand new (my baby on Saturday was almost two days old). One highlight of my day was when I was teaching the new dad how to change the baby's diaper efficiently. As the dad, who was thoroughly disgusted with the poopy diaper, wiped up the stool while trying to cover his nose baby J decided he was going to void. Pee shot up like a hose and got everywhere. I had tried to tell him to keep the baby covered because leaks are common but I guess experiencing it for yourself does the job better! At the end of the day I was saying goodbye to the family and held the baby one last time. As I looked at the tiny human being in my arms I realized something, you know those people who said childbirth is a beautiful thing? Maybe this was what they were talking about and maybe they weren't lying after all. He wasn't mine but as I got to know him throughout the day and as I held him I realized all that pain, all that bleeding, all that trauma to one's body is TOTALLY WORTH IT.

Other things I learned that I wasn't expecting (nice play on words eh?):
- Parenthood is an adjustment. I'm sure everyone out there is like duh Emily!, but its one thing to KNOW that and it is a whole other thing to EXPERIENCE it firsthand. Nine months of preparation can only prepare you so much. It's kinda like school. Its one thing to read about what to expect and what to look out for with your patient but its a whole other thing to deal with the patient clinically. Once the little guy/girl enters this world there are so many questions and things to get used to. Watching the parents interact with each other and their new child was quite entertaining. Everyday is truly an adventure of new experiences and learning new things about this new life.
- Circumcision was not what I expected. Now I know what circumcision is but I was not ready to watch one happen. I will not go into specific detail but the first one I watched was horrific. The poor little guy was screaming and oh the blood. I had to walk away because I had lost my hearing, was sweating, and began to loose my eyesight. (Yes I do believe God called me to be a nurse - I guess I will have to desensitize myself to the blood!) So when my baby had to go for his circumcision on Sunday I was determined to watch the whole thing. Well the doctor came in and set up his station. This time he pulled out a different tool. Basically it cuts off the circulation to the foreskin that needs to be cut off so when he finally cuts it off there is no blood, or rather very little. I asked him why he choose this way and he explained that there is less blood/pain to the baby, it looks better in the long run, and less potential damage to the nerves in the penis (I'm sure all the fellas out there appreciate that!). I was very impressed with the procedure and made a mental note to ask for that type of circumcision if I ever have a little boy someday! Watching the whole process made me appreciate being a girl, that is until I remembered that we bleed EVERY month, haha.
-While I was in the nursery on Saturday I saw an older looking baby being checked out by the nurses. Apparently he was a month old and had come from the NICU to be circumcised before going home. I didn't get to hear the whole story behind him but what I did learn was that his mother died during childbirth. What I could gather was that it was very unexpected and had to do with excessive blood loss. I guess there were four other little ones at home. I cannot even begin to fathom what that father was going through. Not only did he loose his wife but now he had to adjust to life with five little ones on his own. Dying in childbirth is hardly ever talked about these days because it is uncommon but what we forget is that it still happens. I walked away from this sad situation and told myself that if I ever have a child and we both survive I am going to get on my knees and thank the Lord. Every baby is truly a blessing!

Twenty Ten Initiative

During one of my pediatric shifts this past semester I was assigned to work under Nurse Fran. Fran is a compassionate skilled experienced nurse whom I want to be like someday! Aside from working on the Peds unit she is an IV specialist so she gets paged all over the hospital to place IVs when things are slow. Well things were most definitely slow and she got several pages. Naturally I went along. Who would pass up the opportunity to watch a pro place IVs? Not me. (Now I know why they page her. She takes the time to prep each patient to cause as little trauma as possible, carefully choosing the right vein. She places the IV in seconds and quickly secures the port to allow as little movement which could cause the patient discomfort. Yeah I totally want to be like her someday, did I mention that?!?!)

Anyways, my clinical partner and I ended up following Fran to the Outpatient wing. Things were busy and next thing I knew one of the nurses down the hall was yelling for us to get vital signs on the patient in the pre-op room. I turned to make sure she was talking to us and when I realized that there was no one else around we started off towards the room. *What I realized is that wearing a nursing uniform can be dangerous in a hospital. It's makes you a target. Nurses get a glimpse of that very flattering white neatly pressed top coming their way and they see two more hands to make their load lighter. * Good thing I don't mind the practice. Fran quickly followed us with the last minute pre-op forms and IV starter kit. In the room was an older man lying on a stretcher and his sweet wife sitting in the chair beside him.

As we took the vital signs I got to talking to the man and his wife. A progression of his prostate cancer had brought him into the hospital. It was a particularly warm and beautiful fall day in Virginia and he was explaining to me how he and his wife were going to go for a drive in his convertible when he encountered dysuria and hematuria (painful and bloody urine) which was his sign that the cancer was winning. He took his wife's hand and looked at me and said "I wouldn't have chosen to be in here today but I guess we don't always know what the day holds. Our plans don't always work out." I didn't think much about it at the time and I continued to listen as they told me of their adventures together. They had been to all 50 states, they had taken a recent bus trip with their church just to spend time together, and told stories of their grandbabies. Our duties were soon finished and as quickly as we had entered this man's life we had to leave to our next assignment and he was off to surgery.

Sadly I do not remember the man's name but his face, stories, and they way he lovingly interacted with his wife will forever be with me. As I approached the new year I got to thinking about resolutions and what I want out of the year and that's when his comment flooded my mind.

"I wouldn't have chosen to be here today but I guess we don't always know what the days holds. Our plans don't always work out."

A friend of mine mentioned in passing that he was doing a "Twenty Ten Initiative" in 2010. Instead of resolutions which have a poor success rate he was going to have a list of things to do through out the year. No pressure. No failure. Just take it one day at a time and accomplish the things he set out to do. I LOVE this idea. Like most people I am not very good with keeping resolutions but I love making lists and checking things off. So as I thought and prayed about things this is what my list came out to be:

1. Run a race (I have always wanted to run a half marathon or triathalon but I never get into a consistent training pattern. So I'm going to start out small - maybe like a 5k. Then when Kathryn returns we are going to run a half marathon! hopefully ha.)

2. Drink lots of water.

3. Be a better steward of the money I have (that means STICKING to my budget and couponing like it's my job).

4. Be consistent in my daily praying and devotion time.

5. Go legit camping - tents, sleeping bags, and cooking meals on a campfire...

6. Go to the gym AT LEAST three times a week and get the toned body that I always talk about.

7. Be like the Proverbs 31 woman who rises before her household and goes to sleep after they have. I have found that I can be quite lazy at times and I want to be one of those girls that gets everything done and in a timely manner. My roommates are probably laughing because I always say I want to set a time to get up everyday so that I can get about my day and oddly enough that time rolls around and I hit the snooze button. NOT ANYMORE!

8. Study better. I tend to get side track when studying and put it off till the last minute but I want a 4.0 and I am going to try and put forth my best studying skills to obtain that.

9. Enjoy the beach. I have always lived near the beach and as a kid I would go at least once a week. Well the last few years I have worked so much that I never really got the time to go and just enjoy the beach. This summer I am going to do just that - sit in the sand and read a good book!

10. Take opportunities to try new things or things that I would not normally do.

Those are just a few of them, I'm still refining my list :) I am not sure what this year holds. I have all these plans but who knows how it all will play out?

On the 31st my sister called me to see if I could come pick her up because her brakes had given out. On the way to pick her up I got in a car accident that totaled my beloved minivan. Obviously like my patient pointed out "we don't always know what the day holds."Being without a vehicle is not really how I saw the year starting out but I have to trust that God will provide and that even in the midst of crappy circumstances that He has a plan. We are not promised tomorrow (Matthw 6:34) so this year I am going to try and live everyday like the blessing that it is.

A Student Nurse's Prayer

My semester has been a roller coaster of l-o-n-g, stressful, exciting, tear filled weeks. But the end is here! When I stood at the end of August looking towards December I thought I would never make it (ha, talk about being dramatic)! The amount of profiles, projects, and clinicals were overwhelming so I resolved that I would pray my way through school and take one day at a time. We're not guaranteed tomorrow so why worry about it right? (That's the challenge that was laid before me during one of my devotions) Well, it's crazy to think that 16 weeks are done and I have a nice four weeks at home to look forward to. No books (well big textbooks that cost an arm and leg), no profiles, and no tests.

I want to give a shout out to two very special people first. I'm not sure if they'll read this but my roommates  have been more than great with me. From listening to my silly hospital stories, to cooking dinner on busy nights, to rejoicing over good test grades with me, or providing a little encouragement during the especially tough weeks - thanks guys. I truly could not have gotten this far without your help!

Here  are my lovely roommates at our Christmas Party (from left to right: me, Alison, and Nicole)

Ok here is a student nurse's prayer that I came across recently. I think it sums up my semester pretty well!

THE STUDENT NURSE'S PRAYER 

Lord: I know we go through this every day but please give me the knowledge as to why I actually wanted to go to nursing school. Lord, give me the strength to make it through those boring three hour lectures without falling asleep. Lord, please give me the patience to make it through twelve hour clinicals with instructors that can't just give you the right answer and on the same note, give the nurses the ability to remember what it was like to be a student and give us just a little more respect. Lord, give me the endurance to read all the assigned readings and be able to remember it when I am taking a test with four right answers. Lord, give my family and friends the ability to realize I really am on the edge of insanity. Finally, Lord, give me the vision to see that one day I will be a real nurse and I will never have to wear this ugly uniform again. Amen.

Broken

Healthcare is all about fixing the "broken." When things don't work right doctors and nurses are there to help shed light on what is ailing our bodies, treat the problem, and ease our pain.

The only qualification is that we come.

When I'm at home I work at a doctor's office doing filing work and occasionally help the medical assistants. I have found over the last few words that there are 3 types of patients out there. There are those who call about every bump, bruise, or cough and want to be seen PRONTO. Then there are those who annually come for their check-up. And finally there are those who put off coming at all costs (some haven't been seen in decades!).

Lately I've been the third type of patient, not physically but spiritually. I hit a wall along the road of life and found myself in a hurt, let down, and angry place. I had been in the Word daily, seeking God's face, and praying diligently and yet I felt completely broken. I wasn't apathetic but I was weary and I knew where I needed to go. To the Great Physician. Up until a week ago I had spent my mornings in the minivan (the time I usually pray) in silence. I told God I no longer knew what to pray and so I was just going to sit in His presence. I couldn't see past the "wall" and I needed Him more than ever. Later that week while listening to a Podcast by Angela Thomas, who was speaking on the Sermon on the Mount, I realized one thing. God is truly the Great Physician and He can help shed light on what is ailing our spirit, treat the problem, and ease our pain.

The only qualification is that we come.

I think Angela did a great job with her interpretation (the one she whole heartily believes is from God) of the Sermon on the Mount found in Matthew 5. She was explaining how most the times this passage is preached it is taught from the "you gotta be this" and "you gotta be that" for God to bless you. Well she believes the passage is more "if you are this" and "you are that" then God can bless you BUT you've got to be willing to come up the mountain to where He is with the truth of who we are and be willing to lay it at his feet. *I encourage you to take a moment and read the passage.* I couldn't be stubborn and put off going to the Physician anymore. I was "poor in spirit" (Matthew 5:3a) - completely broken and couldn't do it on my own anymore. Jesus, my personal Lord and Savior, the one who died for every human being was calling out to me and saying Come my child.

And so I came.

I had read in a blog (http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/05/past-and-pitcher.html) that throwing pottery could be a form of therapy. Angie Smith, the writer of this particular blog described how God had called her to smash a pitcher, symbolizing her life, and then spent time with God putting it back together. I knew after reading it that that is what God wanted me to do too. My roommates and I were having a "roomie night" and so I pitched the idea to them. They were totally on board (that's why I love them!).

I decided I was going to go up the mountain to my Lord with the truth of who I was. As I smashed the ceramic mug (Gotta love being a college student on a budget! We couldn't find pitchers for a decent price so we settled for a Dollar Store mug.) I yelled the things that were breaking me on the inside. I yelled about failing to get into nursing school the first time around which has put me on the 5-year-plan in college, not knowing what to do with my nursing degree, being single and feeling lonely, finding out that the guy I have had a crush on since I can remember and whom I thought had requited feelings recently started dating someone, my sister leaving in less than a month for a year, not being secure in myself, and overall being discontent with the way life was playing out.

As I smashed the mug I felt an immediate release (I'm pretty sure our neighbors wondered what the heck was going on on our porch). There my life was in a hundred pieces. I scooped up the pieces, grabbed a hot glue gun, and had at it.

Here I am putting the pieces back together.

Here is the finished piece. Not perfect but nontheless whole.

Sitting at the kitchen table that night as I was putting the mug (my life) back together God began to speak to me very clearly. Each piece of the shattered mug was a part of me, the real me (the person I can't hide from God). The process of putting the mug back together was not easy. Just when I thought I had it figured out a piece would come along that didn't quite fit and I would have to start all over again. My fingers got cut up and glue was everywhere. But that's how life isn't it? Just when we think we have it figured out something comes along and we find ourselves lost or in a mess. It's a rough road sometimes and we will forever wear the scars. BUT there is always someone we can turn to - the Great Physician.

I don't have all the answers and I still hurt but I woke up the next day and realized that this precious life I have been given is not about me (you know that wall I couldn't see past, yeah it was myself) it's about honoring the One who gave it to me. I "thirst for righteousness" (Matthew 5:6) so I will hold my mug (my life) up to the only One who can fill it. It may be broken but God has filled in those cracks with His love, grace, and forgiveness and I am WHOLE.

I don't know what life holds BUT God does. It may not be what I have planned but one thing I am learning every day is that His plan is far better than anything I could have ever dreamed. So for now I am resting at His feet and allowing Him to use my life to pour out onto others.

I'll leave you with these words from Jeremy Camp's song "Walk By Faith" that just so "happened" to be playing on the radio as I told God I was going to be silent in His presence until He showed me what to do...

"well I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see, because this BROKEN road prepares Your will for me..."