The Widow Next Door

She sat in a chair at our kitchen bar as Katie and I cooked lunch. From the moment she entered the door she had not stopped talking; recounting how life was the past week, her exercise routine, grandkids, and then delving into more serious topics such as the struggle of loosing her husband.

Katie had met her a few weeks prior when she was moving out of our apartment building into a one across the way and decided we should invite her over for lunch. I LOVED the idea and was very excited to meet this mystery woman. I just love older people.

Well here she was in the flesh; a widow who obviously just wanted someone to talk to.

As we ate lunch I noticed she pushed her food around, taking an occasional bite. I figured it was just because she was telling us all about her life with her husband; a topic she obviously could talk for days about and brought her such joy.

It was hard to hold the tears back as she explained to us that her husband had been diagnosed with brain bleeds six years ago. With a grim diagnosis, she would become the caretaker of the strong independent man that had taken care of her for forty some years. She told how at the age of 59 she had to go get a driver's license because she did not have one and he would not be able to drive to and from doctors appointments. She explained the agony of watching the man she loved deteriorate before her very eyes. Her best friend, the love of her life, the father of her children was dying before her very eyes a slow and painful death and there was nothing she could do about it. Her vow of "in sickness and in health" was living itself out as she cared for the man who was becoming "someone [she] hadn't married."

She started crying as she told of a day when he said something nasty to her. Though she could not remember what the words I could tell they broke her heart. "He would never have said those things to me and that is when I knew it wouldn't be long. The bleeding in the brain was too much."

...fast forward to last week....


I was assigned a geriatrics paper where I had to interview an older adult on their life. I knew from the beginning I was going to interview her. Plus I had not seen her in a few weeks so I knew this was the perfect opportunity to check-in on her.


She agreed and she began to tell her life story to me again as I feverishly wrote down all the details. With the one year anniversary of his death approaching and the holidays I could tell the subject of her husband's death was not going to go over well. When it hit 2004 in the story telling she began to sob.


My heart ached for this woman.


She kept apologizing and I reassured her it was ok to cry. By this time I was a blubbery mess myself (is that any surprise?).


I reached out to hold her hand and in my heart I knew I shouldn't push the subject so we moved on.


The next section to my project was the health history. So I asked. I was not prepared for what was about to come next.


"You're a nurse" (well not really but most people don't see a huge difference between nurse and student when it comes to discussing issues so I let her continue) "so I feel like I can tell you this because it's been a heavy burden for me to carry by myself. I can't bare to tell my girls because they have been through so much the last few years. In 2004 before my husband was diagnosed with his brain disorder I was diagnosed with Parkinson's."


She continued to tell me that the diagnosis was put on the back burner because she needed to focus on her husband. Well six years have past and the symptoms have begun to rear their ugly face. She flat out told me she was still in denial. The fear of a disease with no cure, watching her husband deteriorate from a brain disorder, the family history of brain tumors, and not being a fan of medicine has paralyzed her from seeking help.


I sat there as she held out her arm that shook violently (no wonder she always held it close to her body). She told me how she found herself tiring easily, being dizzy quite often, struggling to carry her groceries in the house, forgetting simple things (and not the occasional we all have lost our heads and forgotten something, she has to write things on 3x5 cards so she does not forget), sleeping problems and body stiffness. Then the most concerning of all symptoms "lately I have had to face the fact that this is getting worse because I am having trouble swallowing." Remember how I said she pushed her food around her plate? We packed her food up for her that day because she said she wasn't hungry at the moment but would eat it later. The truth was she has to cut her food up into tiny pieces and eat slowly so she doesn't choke but she did not want to have to tell anyone that.


As I sat there offering up a few suggestions and the little bit of education I knew from classes I encouraged her to seek medical treatment and to tell her girls.


Here sat a woman who is ill but won't tell her girls because she is afraid of the burden it will put on them.  She needs help with simple things like carrying in her groceries but she won't ask for help. She's still grieving the loss of her husband and adjusting to life without someone to talk to at the end of the day when everyone else is with their families. She's lonely and scared yet she fondly and openly talks about her Jesus who has and is carrying her through the tough moments. A devote woman of prayer she told me that she is "living life like she is dying. If I got to heaven tonight at least I will be with my Jesus and my husband and I can't think of a better place."


I went home crying. Not just because of the sad story but because God was breaking my heart that day.


How many times have I gotten caught up in the busyness of my life or flat out ignored the prompting of the Holy Spirit to talk to someone that God has brought into my path? More than I would like to say. 


Those are divine appointments.


If Katie had not stopped to talk to her as she was moving out we would not have gotten to know her. I wouldn't have done my project on her and I would not have realized there are a lot more things going on here than the surface would let on. Now I know to watch for when she brings groceries home so I can help. I know to leave encouraging messages on her door. I know to stop by every once in a while just to make sure she is doing ok.


Granted nursing opens a door to privy information but what I learned that day is I need to open my mouth, invest in people, and love others the way Jesus calls us to. (Luke 10:27)


I am reading a devotion book on 52 women of the Bible and I think God is trying to drill home a point because my most recent woman was Dorcas. Her story is in Acts 9:32-43. In verse 36 she is introduced as a believer who "was always doing kind things for others and helping the poor." Well Dorcas dies and the widows of the town all come to mourn her death. They are distraught because she was the one that took care of them, providing homemade cloths for them. Those who knew her heard that Peter was in town, he had been healing people in Lydda, and went to get him because they knew that he could bring her back. Peter comes, he prays, and helps Dorcas up from the bed where she had been laid. News spread and God got all the glory. It is said that "many believed in the Lord (v.42)." 


God has really been working on my heart lately about what kind of ministry I will have when I finally am living in a place for more than a few months at a time (yeah for graduation!). While I still don't know what it is or will look like God is gently molding my heart for what is to come. This story has caused me to think. Will I be known first of all as a believer? Will my actions reflect those of Christ (i.e loving the unlovable, taking care of the "forgotten" or lonely, etc...)? Does the way I live push others to Christ? 


I am very thankful that my mother did not decide to name me Dorcas but I want my life to look like hers. How do you want your life to look?

Well Hello Weekend

It's Thursday night and my weekend has begun! Of course there is homework to be done, dishes to be cleaned, laundry to be washed, and dirt crying to be sucked off the rug BUT I do not have to be anywhere for the next three days and that my friend is a wonderful thing. This is so rare for me and so for now I am sitting on my couch with Criminal Minds (reminds me of Kathryn!) on in the background basking in the fact that I could stay up all night and sleep in all day tomorrow. I won't haha but the fact is I COULD if I wanted to.

A few days ago I was given an award of sorts by a fellow blogger Rachel. She is from back home and blogs primarily to keep her family updated on what's going on in her life while her husband is stationed in Groton, CT (they're a navy family). I'm what you would classify a "blog stalker" of her because she is always posting pictures of her adorable son Brennan who has the best baby hair I have ever seen. Don't believe me? Check it out: Calton Corner

I started this blog because we were encouraged to write about our journey through nursing school. I started solely writing what happened during clinical and then one day I realized I needed to start writing what God was teaching me through this crazy stage of life. So that's where I am at now. I haven't been the best at updating this year; lets face it "free time" is hard to come by. But I was honored to get "the Versatile Award" because its nice to know others who read it might get something out of it!

To accept this award one must: 

*link back to the person who gave you the award

*share 7 things about yourself

*pass it along to other blogs you enjoy

*make sure you tell your awardees about the award so they can repost

Hmm lets see 7 things about myself....

1. I love hotels. A lot of people think I am crazy and complain that they are dirty (which they probably are) but there is something about jumping laying on the freshly made bed with fluffed pillows, living out of suitcases, little soaps in the bathroom, and room service that makes my heart happy.

2. Growing up I wanted to be a marine biologist and work with Shamu at SeaWorld. For my ninth birthday my aunt took us to SeaWorld and I saved all my money just to buy a Shamu stuffed animal!

3. Clumps of hair make me gag and creep me out.

4. My first car was a baby blue 1988 Dodge Aries K. I thought when it died and my parents let me drive their mini van I was stepping up in the world. Now I drive a 1996 Buick Century that does not lock, one functioning window, and is missing part of the bottom of the car because it rotted off! Talk about a humbling ride :)

5. The thing I am most indecisive about is whether or not I should cut my hair.

6. I'm not up on the latest fashions or dress to impress BUT I do love high heels and I will look for any reason to wear them. As embarrassing as it is sometimes I clean the house in them!

7. You always hear parents say that when they see/hold their child for the first time they fall in love. I figured they weren't lying but I had never experienced it. Granted I do not have children yet but the first time I saw/held my niece I fell in love and till this day despite the cranky attitudes, endless messes, and dirty diapers I cannot get enough of that girl!!!

Alright now is my chance to pass this along to others... I only closely follow a few blogs (a few well known blogs & then mostly friend's blogs) so here is the shout out to them!

VMuck's View

Kathryn

Alisonicole

Bitter Sweet

Today was my last time wearing my student nurse uniform. I still have a few clinicals left before I graduate but I am allowed to wear professional dress because they are psych clinicals. The whole white uniform apparently doesn't foster an inviting environment for the mentally ill. Can't say I blame them!

I can remember ordering the expensive things. I can remember trying them on for fun before I ever stepped in the hospital. I had that weird I am a legit nursing student feeling. I felt COOL in those bad boys. The newness quickly wore off as I got up every Friday at 5a.m. and patient's spit, blood, other bodily fluids ended up on them.

My uniform has seen a lot over the last six semesters and it was kind of nostalgic as I tossed them in the hamper this evening realizing this is the last time I will wash them.

In honor of my uniform (yes I realize I am a dork for doing this, oh well!) here are some pictures!

The night I was inducted into the nursing program.

My first day of clinical sophomore year.

My last "uniform" clinical of senior year.

In celebration of my last weekend clinical I ate 240 calories worth of Snickers. Totally worth it, don't judge! (I feel a little guilty seeing as I am just not sure I will work out tomorrow because I strained my back today but again why let that minor detail rain on my parade, right?)

Two stethoscopes?! A few weeks ago I lost my blue stethoscope. You're probably wondering how you can do that as a nurse but I'm here to tell you as a pretty responsible person that it IS possible. My patient kept pulling on it when I would assess him so I would place it to the side. Well I forgot I did that one day and left without it :( The next day when I realized it no one could seem to find it. I made it through four years of nursing school and seemed to manage to lose my stethoscope in the last eight weeks. Needless to say I rush ordered a new pink one because if I was going to spend that amount of money I was going to get one that is my favorite color. 

So I stroll into clinical yesterday and I'm charting when I look over at the rack of paper charts and low and behold but what do my blue eyes see? Yup! My long lost stethoscope hanging from the rack. I had to laugh because in my head I was thinking "seriously"?!?! I guess now I have a back up in case I happen to lose misplace my other one.

And now back to studying....

Rain Rain Go Away...

When it rains it pours, at least in Lynchburg that's how it seems to be.

It hasn't rained here for the last five weeks and people began to pray for rain because everything was drying up.

I think KNOW God heard the prayers. Funny thing about God, sometimes he answers in small ways and other times he answers in BIG ways. He choose the latter. 

Last Wednesday I got out of class a half an hour early which meant I would get to youth group on time for once! I rushed to the front door of DeMoss (the main academic building on campus) only to be bombarded with torrential rain (its been raining ever since). I'm talking the kind that is falling so hard and fast that the streets are flooded within minutes and you can't see in front of you. 

Normally I am a big fan of rain storms, especially when there is thunder but not Wednesday. See, when you're carrying a laptop and hundreds of dollars of books it kinda stinks to have to walk to your car in the rain. So I patiently waited. I checked every five minutes or so to see if it had let up. It hadn't. Then I had to remind myself that God promised not to flood the earth again because it sure seemed like that was what was happening.

Well after about a half an hour things were settling down a bit so I rolled up my pants, took my shoes off, and hid my books in my bag as best I could. Then I took off for the parking lot. 

I almost got ran over by a car.

I looked a hot mess. (More like a wet dog with make-up running down her face but we'll call it a hot mess!)

And as I approached my car what did my eyes see?  Two windows unrolled half way down.

I stopped mid-run and had to start laughing. 

It's been in the 90's here for the last week. No sign of rain. Typically I don't leave my windows unrolled but the gram car heats up like an oven if it sits in the sun for too long and since the locks don't work properly I figured if someone was going to steal her (ha, I hardly doubt of all the vehicles in the lot they would choose mine but you never know!?!) they could just open the door so I left the windows unrolled. 

Go figure it rained that day. 

Not only was I wet but now my car was sopping wet and as I turned the key to the ignition I just had to keep laughing. It's too late to get mad. And well I'm sure looking for the outside in its mildly funny. 

I was determined to make it to youth group still so I drove straight there. Twenty minutes later I arrived only to find out power had been knocked out at church so there was no youth group. That was the icing on the cake.

I'm not sure what got a hold of me, well actually I'm pretty sure it's the Lord ever so patiently molding my heart, but instead of lashing out in anger or frustration I was like "thank you Jesus, now I can go home, change out of my wet clothes and do homework!" Just the kinda thing a girl wants to do on a rainy day, cuddle up on her couch with a good book, or textbook in my case. See He knew!

Anyways, later that night I was thinking about the things God has been teaching me these last five weeks and the storm fit perfectly.

These last five weeks have been crazy. It's been a nonstop flow of school work and long clinical hours. Everyone said senior year was much easier but I'm finding that is NOT the case. I keep telling myself to take it one day at the time but in my heart I'm just wishing for December 17th to be here. Add in things on the gram car that keep breaking and a mountain of fees that need to be paid (graduation fees, boards, senior pictures, etc) and I feel like sometimes I'm standing in the middle of a storm. Things are beating down from all sides and its hard to muddle through the rising waters.

Sometimes in life God brings the rain and I feel like we try and rush through it. (You even notice how people run through the rain to get to their destination because they think they'll be dryer? On the contrary if you walk you'll be dryer when you get there. Don't believe me? Google it!) We want to get to the dry "safe" place as quickly as possible. In the end though we just end up getting more wet and being miserable.

Being wet makes you uncomfortable. The rain makes it hard to see what's coming next. And yet the rain brings refreshment and growth. That's the case for me. I feel as though God is asking me to walk through this uncomfortable place of life (trust me two days back to back of being on your feet for 12 hours is not the most comfortable thing). I may not know what is coming next. Most the time I don't. But if I just walk through it with Him I have full faith He will lead me to a dry place.

I have to remind myself this daily but its a truth I cling to.

A verse I was lead to the other day was John 16:33 (NLT) which reads "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you WILL have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

The context of that verse is that Jesus is talking, rather preparing his disciples for his departure from earth. He is explaining how when they realize that he is Truth and grasp the magnitude of what he was about to do, lay his life down so that we might have eternal life through the Father, then they will have real joy. The kind of joy that only comes from a relationship with Christ.

I was sharing with my boyfriend the other day that too many times we let Satan use life's circumstances to steal our joy. He loves doing that. How many times have I allowed him to do that? Too many and I'd rather not acknowledge how often. Those circumstances, the drops of rain beating down on us, the ones that Jesus is talking about when he says trials and sorrows do not need to be joy stealers. You know why? Because Christ was victorious that day on the cross and He is coming again. This world is only temporary. Too many times I think we, myself included, forget that. Is it easy to get caught up in life's storms? Yes. But God is right there with us. Will you cling to him, regain that joy, and walk through this life with Him? I hope so. I'm learning slowly but surely to.


Ok now I'm going to get completely off subject for a second...at the end of June I talked about putting on my running shoes and waiting for God to bring a man into my life that was running full force after Him. Little did I know that guy was already in my life. You could say I was a little too stubborn or blind to realize it at the time. God worked on my heart and ended up blessing me with a wonderful boyfriend. He would probably be VERY embarrassed if he knew I was doing this but I have to give God all the credit on this one. I admire his passion for the Lord so much. It's actually what first attracted me to him. He pushes me daily to love Christ more and to be more like Christ. We haven't dated that long (some might say we're still in that "honeymoon" period) but its been a wonderful blessing so far. He recently came to visit me at school...here is a picture of us! Meet my Matthew.