Let me be the doctor and you be the patient...

December 17th, 2010: graduated college with a BSN
January 29th, 2011: took the NCLEX
January 31st, 2011: found out I passed the NCLEX = officially an RN
February 14th, 2011: first day of orientation at local hospital
May 14th, 2011: end of 90 day orientation
May 15, 2011: waiting to bid for a position in the hospital that interests me

That's my last five months in a nutshell. Ok, so there's a lot more that has happened but that's the gist!

I was a bit too busy living life and navigating through this "new stage" in life to sit and process it on here. That is until the other day when a doctor said something, unbenounced to him, so profound that it was as if God was speaking right through him into my heart.

I was on day five of a six day stretch. My compassion was running low. My mind was exhausted. Down the hall in one of my rooms sat a woman who had been in the hospital for ten days. She wasn't in for anything life threatening or even anything that couldn't be treated from the outside. She was a nurse's worst nightmare, another RN. They say medical professionals make the worst patients and I can see why now!

This woman had been an RN for over twenty years but let her certification run out fourteen years ago. She's what I would classify a nomad, bouncing from one friend to another with no real place of her own to call home. She was quite disheveled in appearance and VERY set in her ways. She scrutinized and critiqued how every medication was administered. She suggested courses of action to the doctors. She even talked one of the more appeasing doctors into letting her stay for what she deemed a "full course" of IV antibiotics; ten days. Really she should have been there for at most three. She flat out refused A LOT of measures of care. She made things really difficult for all the staff members.

I am all for being an advocate for yourself and wanting to take an active role in your care. BUT there is a fine line between being a participant in your own care and being an obstacle. I'm not going to lie I tried to cluster my care so I only had to go in her room the bare minimum times in my shift.

As the doctor this particular day conversed about the patient's plan of care with me at the nurse's station I informed him that now that she had had her full ten days of antibiotics she had informed me she would not be discharged because she now had to finish her IV diuretic (she thought the pharmacy on the outside had given her placebo pills because they "weren't working" so she needed to stay for the IV diuretic...did I mention she maybe had some psych issues?) In frustration he threw his hands up and marched into her room. When he came out he looked me in the eye and said "I just told her that I value her opinion as a professional but there comes a time where she has to let me be the doctor and she has to be the patient. She needs to trust me and follow my instructions otherwise she will never get better."

How profound.

You're probably thinking ok Emily maybe a little of her psychosis rubbed off on you, what is so profound about that? Bare with me and I'll tell you.

As I stood there it dawned on me. A lot of changes have been going on in my life. Some are wonderful and some I struggle against, questioning A LOT, and in the midst of it all I have been trying to deal with it all by myself. It was as though God was saying "Emily you need to let me be God and you be 'the patient.' Trust me, follow my instructions otherwise you will not get better."

Sometimes More times than not I want to dictate how my life goes. I have this idea of how it should be and when things don't match up I get discouraged and start trying to control things. THIS IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA.

What the Lord has been showing me over the last five months, specifically these last two, is that I need to surrender that control. He doesn't want me to sit back and dictate everything so that I feel controlled and helpless. No, he wants me to be an active participant in this life He has given me but I must surrender CONTROLLING it otherwise I will never be able to enjoy life to its fullest. As I have said many times its hard to give up that control for the fear of the unknown. Foolishly I think if I control things then I will get what I want.

I desperately wish I could see the big picture like He can. Unfortunately I can't. Much like that patient in the bed I have to trust the (Great) Physician's plan in order to get to the place where I want to be but don't necessarily see myself going at this current time.

What I will say is as I have relinquished that control, which by no means is an easy thing (it takes a lot of prayer) I have seen more of His presence in my life lately. And I can honestly say I am content where I am even if things at this very moment aren't how I would have them.

Each time I see my patient fighting for the last bit of control I can't help but smile. It's as if God is reminding me "ok Emily did you lay it down today?"