Big Girl's Don't Cry. Or Do They?

When I was younger I can remember sitting on the couch watching movies or tv shows with my family and if there was anything remotely sad in it my mom was sure to be crying. Being the awesome and empathetic insensitive children that we were we would laugh at how silly it was that she was crying. She used to say "stop making fun of me, someday you will cry too." Being one that didn't shed a tear over the little things in life I just shook my head and said "never!"

It's kinda scary how right mothers are most of the time. God humbled me and proved my mother right on this one.

I remember the first time I cried in a movie, I was thirteen/fourteen. It was Pay It Forward. (WARNING : if you haven't seen this and plan on it don't continue reading) Well you know the part where Haley Joel Osment gets stabbed and then dies? I bawled like a baby. Afterwards I distinctly remember thinking how silly it was that I was crying over the fact that this kid died when he wasn't even real! But watching his mom bear the burden of loosing a child just broke my heart. I sat there thinking "man, mom was right. I've become her!"

It's kinda been down hill since.

I cry when speakers like Tammy Trent tell stories of how they lost their spouse unexpectedly. I cried till my mascara ran down my face and my eyes were swollen while reading Angie Smith's (author of the blog Bring the Rain) book I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy as I felt the ups and downs of carrying a child that was deemed not able to survive outside the womb; and who didn't live but two hours. I cried in the movie Remember Me (again don't continue reading if you haven't seen this movie...seriously, its worth renting from the RedBox) when the character Tyler died. I didn't cry because him and the girl didn't get to live happily ever after but because his parents had already lost a son and now they lost a second in September 11th. That is just awful and while it is not a true story my heart still broke for those fictitious characters. I cry when my friends and family tear over heart breaks. I tear up when someone speaks too harshly or says awful things about me. I even teared up when my sister threw a "graduation ceremony" for a girl on her team that missed her graduation because they are on a mission trip (head over here to watch). You can tell from the clip that that ceremony, while completely ridiculous, meant the world to Glenalyn and that just touched my heart. Yes I realize that last statement makes me sound like a grandmother, don't judge.  Please don't get the wrong impression of me, I am not this crazy overly emotional girl that cries over spilled milk but the bottom line is I have been known to shed a tear or two quite often.

I have learned that God gave me an empathizing spirit, so when others hurt I feel deeply for them. I think this is partially what propelled me to go into nursing. That and wanting to wear pajama like attire to work, haha just kidding (sorta). In all seriousness I was wired to instinctively want to take care of people and fix their pain.

Sophomore year I was sitting in Fundamentals, a class where you learn the fundamentals of nursing (go figure right?!?). My instructor, a very nice woman and excellent ER nurse I might add, looked out at the sea of girls and two guys and stated that in the nursing profession there is no room for crying. Being a 13 year ex-Marine that might be an easy thing for her to stand behind but I was like "oh man I am in for it." I even told my roommate at the time, another nursing student, that if crying was not acceptable I wasn't sure I would make it.

As I've gained some experience with real patients and interacted with nurses I've learned its ok to cry. It should be behind closed doors where the patients cannot see of course. I think the day I stop feeling for my patients nursing becomes just a job, no longer a ministry.

Liberty’s program is centered on the premise that nursing is a ministry and not just a job/task. I think what my teacher was trying to get across that day to a bunch of inexperienced students was that being overly emotional in our care is not professional or in the best interest of our patients because it can cloud our judgment. Caring and compassion are welcomed but a sobbing mess that needs to be picked up off the floor not so much.

It’s a fine line to walk that I suppose only comes in time. I've quickly learned that I can be a source of comfort and light to my patients but I cannot fix their pain entirely (sure I can offer a pill for emotional or physical pain but that only lasts 6-8 hours). John 11:35 says "Jesus wept." Most people know it as the shortest verse in the Bible, and while it may be the shortest verse it says a whole great deal about Jesus. The word "wept" in this passage reveals that Jesus was expressing deep sorrow. He wasn't sad because Lazarus was dead, He knew that he would rise from the dead, He was saddened watching Martha and Mary grieve so deeply. Jesus can see the whole picture when we can't and yet He wept because He was essentially feeling the pain of the women who were near and dear to His heart.

So maybe big girls don't cry, they weep! I'm just sayin' Jesus did.